The Enabler

Just a few days after posting The Great Incognitum I was sitting here staring at the keyboard and wondering how to classify Doug Ford, our new Ontario Premier, when suddenly there was Newshawk, the scoundrel, balancing on the Esc button – which was something I devoutly wished he would use.  But he jumped off and went into his crazy keyboard tap dance which came out something like this:

Hey, oh my aged guru, I know what you’re thinking.  Trying to classify Doug Ford?

Yes.

But why?

Well, because he says he’s for the people and that he believes in Climate Change but at the same time his first acts have been to hasten climate catastrophe which in no way can be “for the people”.  How in blazes do you classify a dolt like that?

  It’s  easy.  Just connect the dots.

It is?

Yes.  For Premier Ford just connect the dots.

What dots?

I’ve been into your files and –

Not again! And how do you do that? I’ve been locking my PC.

 I may be just an insect but I’ve got a cousin who’s a virus. She doesn’t need passwords or have to do this damned keyboard ballet and –

Okay, okay. Never mind. So – ?

So I’ve noticed that about the same time you’d first written “the Great Incognitum” you’d also been writing about Corporate Creatures.

Ye-e-e-s. So – ?

Before that you’d written a whole book about flatulence.

Good grief, let’s not go –

It was called “Oh Vulgar Wind.”  Remember the fragment of verse the title came from?

As a “fragment” it was a fake.

“Oh Vulgar Wind, that blows where’er it pleases,
That fans the stools of wise men, fools,
And kings as rich as Croesus,
That pipes – ”

I wrote three verses and threw two away.  So “fragment”.  What of it?

“That pipes its way with merry note
Through prelate, parson, priest and pope,
And rests but never ceases.”

You’ve got a good memory my annoying little crustacean friend.

But that book was Editor’s Choice for the Globe and Mail!

I believe the citation was “A breath of fetid air on a subject of universal interest.”
Where’s all this leading?  What’s our new two-faced Premier got to do with that?

 Connect the dots. Connect the dots!

You’re the only dot around here. I’ll connect you with a flick of my finger.

The dots!
● Homo Sapiens.
● Homo Colossus
● Corporate Creatures.
● Vulgar Wind

Connect them.

Why?

 Just because you’re a nonagenarian doesn’t mean you have to be so slow.

You’re going to kill yourself with big words like that. But come to think of it, you may be right!

Remember how you used to go on about how humans had created giant corporations that are just – just –

– a figment of our imaginations? Creatures hallucinated into a reality more real than ourselves? No god but gold? No morality but profit?  I don’t remember.

Never forget a good rant.

Rant’s aren’t fun anymore.

Try laughing.

Not easy now that so many Homo Sapiens have morphed into Homo Colossus and our companies have morphed into Big Corporate Creatures.

Yes, yes! Corporate Creatures. Go on, go on. You’re almost there. The dots!

What?  Oh, oh – wait now. Ah-ha-ha – my sprightly little friend, I see where you’re going.  How appropriate!  Connect the dots, indeed.  Holy smokes, little Newshawk, we’ve come a long way from that historic day when the noble English Duke sent himself into exile for farting in front of Good Queen Bess.

And years later got royal forgiveness!  Now you’re getting the wind in your sails. Go for it!

Hey, relax, I do get it.  Connect the dots indeed!  Gone are the old days when polite people hesitated to even use the word “fart” and pretended to ignore its existence.  Scientists talked of “flatus”, “crepitation” and, incorrectly, “borborygmus”, and all the time common folk like farmers blacksmiths film crews and you and I were having to coin our own terms like “slider”, “skillsaw”, “mommadaddy” and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation contributed, underground of course,  “flutterblast” – noun – “freep” – noun and verb – “fundusbreak” – noun and verb –

Never mind the grammar lesson, on with it oh learned one!

Righto. The fart has always been with us but mostly as methane which intrigued scientists and so in laboratories they began studying the fundusbreak even the freep , they were calculating how much noxious gases each human produces by the hour or the day, they began worrying about how much methane was being produced in the closed environment of cargo planes carrying pigs, could whales really produce methane bubbles big enough to sink ships in the Devil’s Triangle, in a lab in the University of Minnesota I saw researchers walking around in windtight suits that collected and measured the wearer’s own methane but for years society at large and our governments were ignoring the immense methane and carbon-dioxide-boosted flatulent output released by the myriad Corporate Creatures who along with Homo Colossus have been in a mutual feeding frenzy devouring the planet to feed each other within a closed environment the air of which they are filling with their own noxious flatulence while pissing into the waters and the irony is that in Canada the Creatures and the Colossi are scrounging their favourite food by destroying the boreal forest that provides the very oxygen that sustains life until soon the whole atmosphere will be one big envelope of greed-created flatulence bringing on who knows what kind of climatological Armageddon but to imagine it in easily understood terms just picture Homo Sapiens and Homo Colossus and The Creatures all gathered for a party in a sealed room and all simultaneously farting in relation to their size.  Academics have argued as to whether the world will end with a bang or a whimper but in this scenario the bang is a suffocating mommadaddy of a slider followed by a whimper.  Not elegant but as for classifying Premier Ford with his brainless anti-environmental policies I’d pigeon-hole him as an Enabler of more Flatulent Fumes that can only help accelerate environmental chaos and subsequent mass disasters leading to global social breakdown. “For the people?”  My ass!

So, Newshawk old friend, is that OK for a rant?

It’s a breath of fetid air on a subject that should be of universal concern.

 

Ford in Fog

Pix purloined from Paul Duncan’s satirical blog “The Out and Abouter”  — with suitable colouring added for noxious Ford -enabled flatulent fumes.

“The Enabler” Copyright © Munroe Scott

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About Munroe Scott

Munroe Scott is a veteran of the freelance writing world.
This entry was posted in Article, Climate, Opinion, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Enabler

  1. Eleanor James says:

    The best and loudest laugh I’ve had in a while. Thank you for that. I think we’ll have delicious beans for supper. Do you have any recipes for ‘politician”?

    • Munroe Scott says:

      Eleanor, a culinary challenge indeed! In the days when beans were unprocessed we would soak them overnight to deflate them. But the old-fashioned political PCbean, probably transplanted from the Mike Harris garden, is obscenely full of the vulgar wind and probably indigestible. I am tempted to suggest boiling in oil but of course you should be cutting back on oil use. However, I don’t want to discourage you. On burned toast would be a a good way to serve your PCbean.
      Have a nice dinner. Keep the Tums handy.

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