NEWS FLASH: Bank CEO Replaced.

By Les B. Eager of Canadian D. Press:

In a news conference this afternoon the CEO and President of The Colonial Bank of Canada, Reginald Vixen,  announced that he was being replaced by a temporary foreign worker  imported by the Colonial Bank‛s own Board of Directors.  “This foreign person, ” said the outraged Vixen, “has the temerity to maintain that the terms of his engagement, although short term and therefor temporary, are that he is to study my techniques, learn from me, and then return to his native land and do my job from there via Internet.”

When asked by this journalist what instructions he, Vixen, had received from his own Board of Directors the reply came swiftly.  “Like I said. I have to teach this Mr. Ngo Nyuen  to do my job while I pretend not to be able to do my job because if I could do my job there‛d be no reason to bring him here temporarily to learn to do my job.  At the same time we all have to appear to comply with the Harper Government‛s  TWF [Temporary Foreign Workers] program.”

Mr.Vixen was obviously upset by the prospect of looming unemployment but he did say that the Colonial Bank had offered the promise of relocation.  “I understand,” he said, “that there are several janitorial jobs available, a few of which have not been out-sourced, although I must confess those jobs would be more appealing if I had followed the advice of economist Ravi Batra who, in his book The Great Depression of 1990  — written by the way in 1989 — advocated that a corporation‛s bottom salaries should be no less than one tenth of the very top salary.”

When asked how that would work out for him as a janitor, if the rule were in place, he became  thoughtful and said, “Well, I guess that as janitor I could then take home about, say, a quarter of a million – without expecting any stock options, none of those frills – yes, I‛d  guess at about a quarter of a million per year.” He laughed, a little ruefully.  “I could squeak by on that but I don‛t know about the better half.  We guys, y‛know, we could live in a cave, and a quarter of a million per just ought to about cover it.”

CDP  managed to locate Mr. Ngo Nyuen at his temporary residence in a 100 year old temporary hotel in the temporary heart of Ottawa‛s temporary historic Old Market area and first of all asked if, as his name suggested, he was from either North or South Korea.  “Names,” said Mr.  Ngo, “are an illusion.  Once I have learned the job it is irrelevant who I am or where I am.  I may be in Korea, India, Sumatra, or even downtown Toronto – oh, sorry, not that.” He laughed. “Downtown Toronto could be counter productive.  I might want to become a citizen and that would disqualify the 15% cut.  You see as a TFW the Colonial Bank Board can pay me 15% less than they pay their current CEO, and no perks.  It‛s a pretty good deal when you think about it.  I can carry away a job that saves them a minimum of $375,000 per.  And when I say ‘carry‛ there‛s not even any excess baggage to pay.”

A subsequent poll conducted by CDP found that 81% of Canadians endorse the idea of outsourcing the CEOs of major companies and many feel that the Boards of Directors should also be outsourced, provided that no Canadians can be found to fill their positions.  However, there are hundreds of thousands of unemployed Canadians willing to serve as either CEOs or Directors and CDP has learned that many, faced with homelessness, are thinking of giving up their citizenship so they can apply. Their qualifications are numerous but one often cited is, “Having been unemployed we don‛t like it, and what‛s more we don‛t want it for any of our friends, family, or countrymen.”   According to Dr. S.C.H. Ismatic of the Federal Psycho Research Institute, “… that is powerful motivation that should guarantee excellent performance from the new executives. .. [A]pplying the TFW scheme from the top down turns the 15% reduction in wages into an enormous carrot on a big shtick.  It must be what Harper had in mind all along.  At least it makes more sense than any other explanation.”


About Munroe Scott

Munroe Scott is a veteran of the freelance writing world.
This entry was posted in Article, Opinion, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to NEWS FLASH: Bank CEO Replaced.

  1. Nice Swiftian touch, Munroe. You ought to train your sights on Canada’s other sector that uses TFW CEOs — the oil patch.

  2. Jean Koning says:

    I’m with David McLaren – way to go, Munroe!!

  3. Earle Gray says:

    Let’s hope that the temporary thing about TFW is the whole program becomes temporary — not later than October, 1915.

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